The Boiling Frog, PTSD, and the Question We Ask Survivors Too Often
Domestic violence awareness is a topic that is especially dear to my heart. As a psychologist, I have worked with many survivors who have asked themselves the same painful question: "How did I not see it?" It's a question often fueled by shame, self-blame, and misunderstanding. The truth is that domestic violence can happen to anyone, including highly intelligent, accomplished, and well-educated people. Understanding why can help replace judgment with compassion and create a path toward healing.
One of the most common questions survivors hear is, "Why didn't you just leave?" What I've learned over the years is that a much more helpful question is, "What happened to you?"
Abuse rarely begins with obvious violence or extreme control. More often, it develops gradually. A little criticism. A little jealousy. A little blame. Small boundary violations that slowly become larger ones. I often think of the boiling frog metaphor. If the water were boiling from the beginning, most people would recognize the danger and jump out. Instead, the temperature rises one degree at a time. The relationship changes so slowly that survivors often adapt to each new situation without fully realizing how much has shifted.
This is one reason domestic violence is not a reflection of intelligence, education, strength, or character. Psychologists, physicians, attorneys, judges, social workers, domestic violence advocates, and other highly educated professionals can all find themselves in abusive relationships. Trauma is not a failure of knowledge. Human beings are wired for connection, love, loyalty, hope, and attachment. Those are strengths, not weaknesses. Yet those same qualities can make it difficult to recognize danger when it develops gradually over months or years.
Domestic violence also affects both the brain and body. Living with chronic fear, unpredictability, manipulation, or coercive control can keep the nervous system in survival mode. Over time, many survivors develop symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), including hypervigilance, anxiety, sleep disturbances, intrusive memories, emotional numbness, difficulty concentrating, and a persistent sense of danger. These responses are not signs of weakness. They are normal reactions to prolonged trauma. The brain and body are doing exactly what they were designed to do: survive.
Trauma can also affect the way people think. Survivors often describe questioning their judgment, minimizing concerning behaviors, second-guessing themselves, or wondering if they are somehow responsible for the abuse. Repeated criticism, gaslighting, blame, and manipulation can slowly erode self-trust. Looking back, many survivors wonder why they didn't leave sooner. What they often don't realize is that trauma changes the way people perceive, process, and respond to ongoing threat. Their reactions make sense in the context of what they experienced.
The cycle of violence can make this even harder to recognize. Abuse is often followed by apologies, promises to change, affection, kindness, or periods of calm. During those times, survivors see the person they love rather than the person who hurt them. Hope returns. They remember the good moments and believe things can improve. Many stay not because they enjoy the abuse or fail to recognize it, but because they are responding to both fear and hope. They are holding on to the relationship they believe is possible.
When you combine the gradual escalation of abuse, the biological effects of trauma, the cognitive effects of manipulation, and the powerful pull of the cycle of violence, it becomes easier to understand why leaving is often far more complicated than people imagine.
This is also why treatment matters.
The good news is that healing is possible. Trauma-focused therapy can help survivors understand what happened to them, reduce PTSD symptoms, rebuild self-trust, strengthen boundaries, and reconnect with a sense of safety and control. One of the most powerful moments in therapy is often when survivors realize that their reactions were not signs of weakness or failure. They were survival responses. Understanding that can be the beginning of self-compassion, recovery, and healing.
This Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I encourage all of us to shift the conversation. Instead of asking, "Why didn't they leave?" let's ask, "What happened to them?" Instead of judging the ways people survived, let's work to understand them.
Because the boiling frog isn't foolish. It's simply adapting to an environment that became dangerous one degree at a time. And under the right circumstances, that experience is far more universal than most people realize.
